rock and roll musings by Tim Byrnes

WRITING WRONGS: DEATH, METTLE AND A SEASON IN HELL

     OK, first thing: I want to apologize for getting so maudlin in that last post, but those feelings had to go somewhere and the motime universe is where I feel the safest to express my intermittent lunacy. I'd like to thank the friends who emailed me with words of encouragement and want to take this opportunity to let them and you all know that my talk of suicide is just that; talk. I have not the nerve  to end it all, although this time, after Dwayne's passing, I think I came as close as I ever have to considering it dispassionately and that scared me and so: the post, knowing the calvary would come to my rescue. Again, thanks. Besides, one look into Buster's brown eyes and I know I'm not going anywhere.

     Which is part of the problem as well as a saving grace.

     Not going anywhere is another of those double edged swords. The comfort of a routine vs. the burden of an endless grind. The satisfaction of survival vs. the bitter taste of failed dreams etc. When all else fails (and when I get in these states all else fails considerably) there's Buster, Bleeker and MacDougal. 3 lives, entrusted to me via fate. They don't know why we're out of food (Got paid yesterday and we all have food, so don't think I'm going all Sally Struthers on ya here. 'It's enough to make an angel cry' my Aunt Fanny.), they don't know why 'Dad's' crying over phone commercials. They just know I'm upset and do their best to cheer me up just by being themselves and, more importantly, somehow trusting me enough to not run away. My house is a home because of them and if that sounds pathetic, then I'll take pathetic.

     So Dwayne died and, in all my self-centeredness, I failed to mourn the passing of a fellow human being and saw only parallels to my own sad existence. An existence that I define as sad, and make so by what I choose to dwell on and what I choose to allow to run my thoughts. It is sad that Dwayne passed, but to take that event and use it as fuel for another self pity expedition dishonors the man's memory and basically does neither me nor anyone else any good at all.  So to Dwayne: I'll miss ya and I hope you found something better on the other side.

     As for me, I gotta just suck it up and move forward and not let the Holidays exert undue influence. Bemoaning the commercialization and perceived hypocrisy of celebrating peace and love in a world that's clearly on fire does nothing to change those things. The only thing any of us can change is their reactions to whatever stimuli's coming down the pike and I'll do my best to change mine and not let things push me to write such overly depressing posts such as 'DWAYNE'. I can't make any promises as I am a dark writer at times and have to let those demons out after all. Just wanted to let all and sundry know that such blatherings are like a spiritual house cleaning for me and, as such, could be viewed as a positive, if not essential, move from the darkness into some kind of light.

     So, let's see if we can all get through this emotional rollercoaster called the holidays together 'cause I, for one, have proven time after time that I can't do it alone.

tb

Posted by: timbyrnes at 17:22 | link | comments (3)

Comments:

#1  02 December 2005 - 19:52

 

good to see you back at it... you're right there's no need to do it alone, but don't discount the fact that nobody did the getting through for you. that you've done by and for yourself. i don't know that you can or should change your reactions. just your understanding of them....

howard

#2  02 December 2005 - 21:13

 

thanks. i feel like that old lou reed album 'growing up in public'. i'm glad i have this page to rage and fawn upon, for keeping all that static inside could some day break the radio and that's not what i'm here for, i don't think.

timbyrnes

#3  21 December 2005 - 15:57

 

Plus, you are a brilliant writer and keep the rest of us entertained.

Cannonball14

Comments: