rock and roll musings by Tim Byrnes

The Massive Sonic Youth Piece

   There is no gravity, the Earth sucks. Hello friends and neighbors and any curious passersby, it's gonna be one of those blues. Haven't been here lately 'cause work has exploded. Out long-time (14 years) manager is leaving the 1st of August and I've been getting called in to work all sorts of hours. I'm still not settled in the new apartment. I mean, the living room looks like someone lives there, but the back bedroom is still full of unpacked boxes and I haven't written a word on the novel. I pretty much am either working or waiting to be called in like I'm a doctor or something, sitting on my couch and most likely listening to Sonic Youth.

     When yr an embittered old wanna be rock critic there here are points in yr life that demand a soundtrack, a special music that fits yr mood. Music you can relate to, I guess. Well, lately I find myself not only relating, but taking a strange comfort in the willfully discordant, just plain angry-ass music this band makes. Almost all tension w/very little in the way of release, SY's sound matches the way those knots I always have in my stomach feel. Antimusic, indeed. It's been, at first glance, a lousy week. Then after closer examination, I find it's been a lousy month. I basically try to stop looking once I hit the lousy years, but a trainwreck's like a car accident, y'know? You can't pull yr eyes away. I am the trainwreck.

     Oh, I laid the track, alright w/bad decisions and too much alcohol. And, if I do say so myself, intellectually I realize that I hace accomplished much in getting sober and 'keeping it together' through relatively uncomfortable times, but when I sit and see what I've amounted to........ well, crank up the Sonic Youth.

     W/out going into too much boring detail, my past - in the figure of a relative I haven't seen twice in 25 years came to town and brought up a whole mess of shit I really thought I had come to terms with long ago. During his stay we went out for a breakfast. I was tense about it but for once, had decided to not be confrontational and stir up old stuff that can't be settled anyway. Think 'Prince of Tides'. Anyway, through the magic of denial all's going well until he misunderstood a comment of mine and basically insulted me in my town, in front of my people who just sat there and let it hang in the air above the bacon and eggs.

     For once, again, I wanted to keep the peace and let the conversation pick up again as if nothing had happened. I was fine until the next day, after having spent a sleepless night coming to the realization that I was getting screwed again by people who purport to love me. 'EVOL' has been in constant rotation since.

     I'm angry. About everything. This is nothing new and that's the saddest part. I am always angry. I hate. Nothing in particular. I just hate. And there's a violence in SY's music that attracts me. It's completely impotent, stylized whiny dramaqueen violence, but I am far too pretty to go to jail and, as a result, will not be assaulting anyone anytime soon with anything other that loud ugly music.

     Getting more hours at the job I know I should be happy. But all I can see is that I'm the guy who has to jump when they say jump. I've been called in on my day off three days in a row. The folks at work call me dependable and reliable and I know they mean it as a compliment, but I only see it as I'm the guy who'll swallow whatever shit you give him. And I'm tired of it. And by that I mean I'm tired of seeing things that way. I know I should be happy, maybe even deserve it (although I don't think any of us deserve it for no reason, but not believing in god takes that toll, I'm told), but I'm just not. What I could legitematley  - and where the hell's the spellcheck here, anyway - see as an opportunity to some form of financial and social stability and thus something to be embraced and celebrated I can only see as a life sentence in a dead end minimum wage job w/no benefits or future in the middle of nowhere, where my people sell me out and the people who aren't my people really aren't, thus leading to repeated listening to Sonic Youth and vague thoughts of suicide.

     Don't worry, it's just a mental excercise, I'd never shaft Buster and the cats that way.

    So, here I sit, missing the denial more than the drink, an atheist in god's country trying to psychoanalyze myself while submerging my psyche in loud, loud feedback laced spiteful, ironic posturing, just wishing like hell I could feel fucking good for a change.

Posted by: timbyrnes at 17:26 | link | comments (1)

Comments:

#1  21 July 2006 - 18:27

 

Yo tim: Still here. Just sayin'.

burninglight

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