rock and roll musings by Tim Byrnes

Stark Raving Humanism: A Religion Even the Devil Could Love

     Well, this was inevitable. I've decided to start my own religion. I mean, we got scads of scammers in bad toupees swindling old folks out of their savings and young folks out of their minds all across this great (cough, cough) nation of ours so, being the dyed in the wool, out for himself true blooded Amerikkkan that I am, I figured I'd get in on it.

     Let's see, first thing we need is a dead guy, right? Hmmmmmm. Religions are always the province of those more than willing to twist the words of actually great men to meet their own interests. It's always best to wait till the cat's dead, you know, so he (and it's always a he, innit?) can't come back and redifne, recontextualize or even (dare I say it) correct you. More importantly, you gotta have a dead guy in combination with a book. Enter Lester Bangs, a great dead man. Under the guise of rock critic, Lester was above all else a bitterly disappointed moralist, a man who tried so damn hard to be human it arguably killed him. Yeah, I know the scuttlebutt says it was a drug overdose, maybe it even was (remember:Rule #1 - other than there are no rules - Believe nothing.) but, for the purposes of this religion - my exwife came up with the term 'Lesterfarianism' and I think I'm gonna run with it - I'm going to twist the perception of the overdose as being an immaculate example of the frailty of man, to be embraced, celebrated. No more pity.

      We got 2, no 3, books by going w/Lester as figurehead. Dig: There are 2 collections of his work 'Psychotic Reactions and Carburator Dung' or the Old Testament and 'Mainlines, Deadlines and Blood Feasts" or the New Testament. There's a biography of Lester also called 'Let It Blurt' which I guess we can use as like an Apocrypha or something. I recoomend any of these, no I mean I beseech, thee, brethren, to look to the word, I mean Word of Lester to find meaning and solace in this cruel, cruel world.

     Besides, he wrote the Stones off as old men in 1973 so we got prophecy covered.

     Another thing any 1st rate religion needs is a message. OK, here's the basic tenant of Lesterfarianism in one sentence:

                                   "Keep trying,thou art all OK."

     I figure if all these helmet haired televangelists can rake in the $$$$ while reminding everyone how they're unworthy in the sight of god, sinners all and essentially no damn good at the core (thus the need for a benevolent figure in the sky) then I should be a millionaire by Thursday w/the message that, yes we suck. A lot. But humanity as a species has the potential to walk through life harming no one and that should be the goal, and yes, it's a huge goal. Which means it's gonna take time. So, in this religion failings aren't punished, men and women are NOT deemed unworthy the second they hit the door or threatened with eternal damnation. See, I don't pretend to know what happens when you die, so I'm not gonna do a song and dance about how this gonna happen, that gonna happen. I don't know (say, there's a great 'response' for the 'call and response' section of the eventual service.)

      Celebrant (or Roadie): 'Who created the world?

      Brethren (you guys, in unison): "I don't know.'

      C: 'What awaits us when we die?'

      B: 'I don't know."

     And so on. Which reminds me, I gotta get Vonnegut involved here, but as explained above, will have to wait until he passes. Which I hope doesn't happen for a hundred years. Let's see, if we do take a collection, we'll open a food bank.Buy a pizza for the poor. Hell I am the poor, that's why I'm starting a religion!

     Oh, and in an unprecedented move in theological circles, I'm gonna tell y'all right up front I'm corrupt. As a human being, corruption is part of my makeup and, as such, a part of my religion. See we're shifty by nature, not criminal (at least not all of us) but shifty. I think it mostly comes from having to use denial as a coping mechanisn all these years. Stepping over the homeless on yr way to the Olive Garden wears on a soul. Lesterfarianism says, recognizes actually, that there is little we can do about this. At least not without drastically changing our lifestyles, taking actual responsibility for our fellow man, getting our hands dirty etc. And as we all know, this is just too much work. Not to be flip, but really, most of us are having enough trouble getting from Monday to Sunday without slitting our own throats because we know how lame we are.

     Lesterfarianism relieves you of that particular weight. Do what you can, we say, help those around you but if you can't, if you won't, well, that's OK too 'cause who am I to judge? I'm just a religion. We all have our own problems. Are you unfaithful to yr spouse? Well, shame on you, I guess, but that's between you and the injured party, innit? Gay? Cool, you bring the records! Smoke a little dope? Bring it!! Drink too much? If yr cool w/it so are we, but if you think you got a problem I'm sure somebody here can hip you a possible next move. Advice, not Commandment.

     Hey, I think I'm really on to something here.

     OK, what else we need? Dead guy? Check. Book? Got 3 of 'em. Physical leader on Earth? Well, that would be me. Hierarchy of politicized madmen in black dresses? Don't need 'em, don't want 'em. However, if anyone out there would like to buy their way into an upper management position ('cause you know, eventually the moneymen will come along and ruin whatever purity of thought existed here at the beginning anyway, so I'm just gonna invite 'em and hope I get my cut -  refreshingly honest for a clergyman, ain't I?) the going rate for becoming a Bishop is the same as the Catholics: $300 and a blowjob.

     Sacrament's you say? Invent yr own, invite yr friends. Sex, drugs, mayhem, whatever. This is your religion, yr life. Maybe you'll get judged after you die maybe not. That's the chance we all gotta take. So y'all decide if yr living right and I'll see you as a hail fellow well met and how you sleep at night is yr business.

     There's been a lot of back and forth here at punk rock blues as to the need for a Devil in this religion. I say we ain't got one, 'cause I don't want my religion to be defined by what we hate. For the purposes of this excercise there is no Devil and, it follows, there surely is no God. Just us.

     Justice?

Posted by: timbyrnes at 17:06 | link | comments (19)

Comments:

#1  25 August 2006 - 18:12

 

Alrightithen... Inevitable, sure, if not downright redundant.... :PPPP

Anyway, I'm pretty sure your devil arrived just briefly before this self-declaration as the most holey prophet of Lesterfarianism....

That all said, how goes it? Don't be a stranger...

burninglight

#2  26 August 2006 - 14:21

 

That's your smarty-pants shpiel here on your blog, Byrnes; but in a foxhole, you will will be saying "God please save me, and forgive me for all of my sins, and anyone I may have hurt."

Why don't you do a blog pretending that your in a foxhole, about to get blown to smithereens? We're all going to be dead soon enough, one way or the ohter, anyways, so you might as well start thinking about your last seconds now.

Why don't you look into Jesus? He's got the answer.

Jim

Anonymous

#3  28 August 2006 - 16:30

 

Hey, if you think my pants are smart, you should see my sock drawer. Listen, pinhead (and this is for you, Jim - I've decided yr the Pinhead as you lack the nerve to be the Devil) I have been in foxholes many a time in my day. The foxhole of alcoholism, the foxhole of sexual abuse at the hands of those I trusted, the foxhole of poverty and crime, I lived on the streets of NYC when I was 14 and it was all one big foxhole. I quit drinking, I forgave those that abused me, I worked my way off the street into the relatively lush life I put up w/now. There was no Jesus, or god involved. Some say I did it out of spite. That's OK, 'cause in the final analysis I'm still alive while Jesus is dead.

timbyrnes

#4  29 August 2006 - 03:32

 

I appreciate you sharing your life experiences, and overcoming of a lot of tough things; but this shpiel here is crap, and you know it:

"There was no Jesus, or god involved. Some say I did it out of spite. That's OK, 'cause in the final analysis I'm still alive while Jesus is dead."

You don't even believe yourself anymore on that stuff, so why do you even say it?

Jim

Anonymous

#5  29 August 2006 - 04:30

 

Glad that all the credit goes to you, and none of it was due to the grace of God. :rolleyes:

Jim

Anonymous

#6  31 August 2006 - 16:30

 

So, now you not only know what you believe but what I don't. I get it, Jim, you owe it all to god. Fine, I can accept that that's the way you see things. We disagree, I get that also. We've been going round and round on messageboards for over a year. Now, I think it's time for you to start yr own blog and disseminate yr message tot he rest of the world because I, for one, have had enough. Goodbye.

timbyrnes

#7  31 August 2006 - 20:30

 

Father in Heaven, please help punk rockers to start giving glory to You, instead of constantly giving glory to themselves. Amen.

Later, Tim.

Jim

Anonymous

#8  01 September 2006 - 15:08

 

Yo tim: Howard says I need to post something to refresh my recent comments queue, so here goes.

BTW, ask me about admin privileges...

burninglight

#9  02 September 2006 - 01:50

 

Carl's favorite quote:

True charity consists in putting up with all one's neighbor's faults, never being surprised by his weakness, and being inspired by the least of his virtues.
-- St Therese of Lisieux

ba-doom-kshhhh!!!!

Anonymous

#10  08 September 2006 - 17:55

 

There but for the grace of god and 50 years of research. Everytime you glorify god yr glorifying yrself 'cause you invented the god, idiot. I just cut out the middleman and am more honest and comfortable w/both my accomplishments and failings. Also, it's really bad netiquette to post again and again without waiting for a proper response.



We Lesterfarians forgive yr breach of decorum (hell, we forgive you fer existing) because that's the way we roll.

timbyrnes

#11  09 September 2006 - 03:28

 

Jesus Christ is The Son of God, and He is my middleman, and YOUR middleman, and EVERYONE's middlman.

Let us not DARE cut Him out!!! He took on human flesh, became a little baby, and lived so that He could DIE for our sins, and rise from the dead for our justification.

Talk about being a good middleman.
Like The Bible says: There is one mediator between God and man: Jesus Christ.

-----
1 Timothy 2:5 - For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, ...
-----

It is time to fully embrace The Middleman as Lord and Savior, my friend. He is right there with open arms. Walk down to your local RCC, sign up for an RCIA class, and come on home.

Jim

Anonymous

#12  09 September 2006 - 06:44

 

It seems that some Christians can't tolerate the fact that some people may not agree with them.

krazykounselor

#13  09 September 2006 - 18:54

 

It sounds like some krazycounselor cannot tolerate conservative Christians.

Jim

Anonymous

#14  09 September 2006 - 19:55

 

i knew this kid once in grade school who absolutely had to have the last word every time. poor kid could never let go of any argument. had to come out right no matter what. had no room for other people's points of view inside his righteous mind.

how convenient it must be to see things in black and white. how safe and reassuring.

thirty years later, that same kid is now an annoying little man forcing his beliefs on people like some sad, sad bully. still no gray areas in his mind. still a world of black and white.

he never grew up, never matured.

in another life, he could've been an islamic fundamentalist. give him a cause and a bomb. poof! or he could've been a nazi. who knows?

if there is a God i would like to think It gave us our minds so we could question and explore the meaning of our existence, not to fall on stagnant spiritual loops of "We are right, you are wrong." i think the real sin would be to kill the questioning mind.

that guy is still out there. he has few friends. and while he wears a big smile as he waves the bible on people, i don't think he's no better than any of us. he may even be at a greater disadvantage. in a world of black and white, he stands to lose more. maybe that's why he hangs on to his beliefs so tightly.

between the bliss of righteousness and the sadness of doubt, i'd take the latter any day. doubt brings surprises, allows room for growth, welcomes in a bigger part of the neighborhood. righteousness condemns you to an endless battle between yourself and the rest of the growing, multicolored world.

david

Anonymous

#15  10 September 2006 - 03:37

 

David,

OK, I see what you're saying:

It is black and white, that we should not see in black and white.

Nice consistency, there. Just messin', but seriously:

Honestly discriminating one idea from another makes a lot more sense than going through life playing the "nothing is black and white" card, whenver a serious issue arises.

It is not a sin / crime to be reasonably sure of yourself on something. That is not the same thing as jumping ot hasty conclusions without thinking about it.

Jim

Anonymous

#16  14 September 2006 - 16:09

 

Dave, or Kraze, I appreciate yr thoughts but I must warn you attemting to have an intelligent discussion w/Jim or expecting him to be a gentleman and agree to disagree is futile. It must be nice to hold all the answers to everything and know deep in yr heart that yr right.
Unfortunately it it just this self-righteousness that's 'empowering' leaders from our own commander-in-thief to the heads of all those other theocracies (Israel, Iraq, Iran etc) to declare war on everyone who doesn't believe the same way they do. This is why I consider god and the religions that sprout around that concept to be the most dangerous enemy humanity faces.
While I understand and even admire the certainty w/which these types live their lives, it's when they start insisting that everyone should live and believe as they do that the whole godtrip gets tricky.
And how he can still recommend the Catholic Church after all the pedophelia/cover up scandal is beyond me. So, you see what kind of mind we're working w/here, huh?

(From 'Burn Down the Internet' a song I wrote for just such an emergency)

"Burn down the Vatican,
Judiasm and Islam
And every tinhorn religion
That's tearing us apart."

Anonymous

#17  14 September 2006 - 16:10

 

PS. I agree w/you completely that nothing is black and white. Not even black and white.

Anonymous

#18  15 September 2006 - 01:38

 

"I am The Way, The Truth, and The Life" - Jesus

Anonymous

#19  15 September 2006 - 01:53

 

It wouldn't be faith if you knew something for sure.

I have faith in Christ, because the evidence adds up, in my mind.

He does His part to show us; but then He waits for us to do our part and respond.

We don't have to always like or understand God, but we need to trust him.

That is what faith is. He wants you to have faith in Him. Of course you can't know for sure; but even you amdit, Tim, that the evidence for Christ is well-documented.

Jim

Anonymous

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